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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28190088">to let go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz'>tkreyesevandiaz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Boys In Love, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Date Night, Established Relationship, M/M, POV Eddie Diaz, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:02:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,662</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28190088</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Buck has a unique idea for their date night.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>148</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>to let go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is for the discord lmao &lt;3 All that sprinting paid off (I think).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie’s learned a lot from Buck over the years.</p><p>His partner is full of information, of random tidbits and facts about the universe. He’s intelligent, quick on his toes, and far more critical than anyone gives him credit for. He’s all these little things Eddie aspires to fill his life with, and just being with Buck is one of the best things to ever happen to him, period.</p><p>So when his boyfriend drags him down the dishes aisle at Walmart, Eddie goes willingly, because this is Buck and he always follows Buck. But even he has to admit that he's beyond confused at what's going on, because they're supposed to be on a date right about now.</p><p>“What are we getting these for?” he asks. “You trying out a new set?”</p><p>“No, but these are cheap, and if we break them, it’s not that big of a problem.” The answer clears up absolutely no confusion, but Eddie follows as Buck places two of the Walmart brand dinner plates and two of the smaller bread plates in their cart.</p><p>“What next?” Eddie asks, mentally checking his own shopping list for things he needs to get.</p><p>Buck, because he’s Buck, anticipates this and stops his thoughts right in their tracks. “We’re not shopping for things. We just need to pick up Sharpies and we’re out of here.”</p><p>
  <em> Sharpies? </em>
</p><p>“Man, are you okay?” Eddie looks skeptically in the cart, completely serious with his question. Buck only smiles, grabbing a two-pack of black Sharpies off the rack and nudging Eddie to move.</p><p>“Let’s go,” he says, walking to the checkout. Eddie trails behind him, grabbing a bar of chocolate that he knows Buck likes from the cashier’s counter and placing it on their carousel. One swipe of a card later, and they’re exiting the warmth of the department store to the frigidity outside.</p><p>Eddie, clad in at least three layers, shoves his hands into his pockets as deep as they would go, scowling when Buck, who’s roaming around in nothing but a thin T-shirt and an open jacket, laughs. He might be right at home with the cold, but Eddie isn’t, and has never been. His nose is already dripping for it, and he sniffles.</p><p>“Oh come on, Eds, it’s not <em> that </em>cold.” Eddie glowers at the teasing, snatching Buck’s keys away as he rounds the car to the passenger side.</p><p>“Save it, snow boy,” he grouses, hauling himself into Buck’s Jeep and turning the heater up as far as it’ll go. Buck places their bags in the backseat and climbs right in with him. “Where are we going now?”</p><p>His boyfriend sighs but humors him anyway. “We’re going a little past the LA city limit. I found this place when I first moved here, and it’s perfect for what we’re doing today.”</p><p>Eddie takes this opportunity to ask what exactly it is they’re doing, but he’s shot down immediately with one raised eyebrow and a smirk that Eddie wants to kiss off his partner’s face.</p><p>“You’re legally obliged to tell me now,” Eddie tells him, taking full advantage of his newly achieved boyfriend status.</p><p>Buck barks out a laugh, completely unfazed as he reaches for Eddie’s hands, still stuffed deep in his pockets. “No, I’m not. Jeez, you can’t wait twenty minutes?” </p><p>“We’re <em> already </em>twenty minutes from home.” Eddie slaps Buck’s hand away, not wanting cold fingers near him, and this only makes Buck laugh harder. “It is not that cold, Eddie.”</p><p>He doesn’t even try to justify that with a response, instead choosing to look out the window for clues on where they’re going. Part of him is thrilled at the prospect of this surprise, because he knows that Buck’s surprises are always amazing.</p><p>Another part of him <em> really </em>wants to know what his boyfriend’s up to. He can see one more plastic bag back there with what looks like dinner, and combined with the dishes and Sharpies, the only thing Eddie can think of is that they’re leaving the city to eat a picnic on permanently-labeled plates.</p><p>Regardless, the twenty minutes fly by in a comfortable silence, mellowed by the soft crooning coming from the radio.   </p><p>As Buck pulls up and parks near the edge of a cliff, Eddie looks ahead and loses his breath.</p><p>He can see the city from this spot, all twinkling lights and a silence no one ever associates with Los Angeles, least of all two firefighters. It’s gorgeous, to be the minuscule equivalent of standing on top of the world, one half of his heart next to him, the other half asleep somewhere in that concrete jungle.</p><p>“You like it?” Buck’s soft voice breaks him out of his musing, and Eddie leans over to kiss him. </p><p>“I love it, and I love you,” Eddie says, savoring the light blush he can see even with the limited light.</p><p>“Well come on, then. There’s more to this than just sitting here.” Buck unfastens his seatbelt, leading Eddie to follow as he pulls the plates and permanent markers out. He also uncovers a black tarp from the back that had escaped Eddie’s notice the first time.</p><p>“What’s all that for?”</p><p>“You’re more curious than Christopher is,” Buck teases. “What happened to the patient guy I fell in love with?”</p><p>“He gets it from me.” Eddie waves an arm, dismissing the quip. He takes the plates Buck passes him, along with the Sharpie. “All my patience disappears when it comes to these shenanigans of yours.”</p><p>“Now I know you didn’t call our date night a shenanigan.” He holds up the two plates. “Okay, so I saw this online, but basically, at the end of a year or month, depending on how anxious or bad it was, you write all the things that have bothered you onto these plates, and then you break them. I thought we could write the smaller things on the small plate that’ve just annoyed us but aren’t really big enough to make <em> that </em>much of a difference. Then all the bigger things that constantly set us on edge can be written on the larger plate.”</p><p>“Like flushing a burning photo down the toilet? Or burning a journal? Or shredding something to pieces?” Eddie equates, staring down at the large and small plate pair in his hands. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to fit all of this stuff on here.</p><p>Buck’s expression lights up, and he nods eagerly. At that adorable look, Eddie can’t help but steal another kiss, grinning when Buck rolls his eyes. “Yeah, but basically you’re just letting go of all the negativity. It’s like...a condensed rage room that you can vandalize, I guess. You get to break things that you can’t.”</p><p>Putting the physical to the non-physical.</p><p>Eddie gets it; he really does. There have been so many things that have plagued both of them, rough times and months where there didn’t seem to be a way out. They weren’t problems that could be tangibly fixed in any way, shape or form, but Buck had found a way that they could at least try.</p><p>Hell, what did they have to lose?</p><p>Eddie says nothing after that, sitting cross-legged with Buck on the tarp, right on the cold pavement even though he feels like he’ll never get warm again. He uncaps his Sharpie and gets to work.</p><p>They write in silence, both of them doing the other the courtesy of not peeking or looking at the others’ plates. There’s an intimacy to be sitting here with his partner, writing his most private thoughts on these dinner plates.</p><p>As ridiculous as it sounds, Eddie’s glad Buck had the idea to do this.</p><p>It’s not until he gets halfway down the plate that he realizes a lot of his frustration this year has stemmed mostly from the job and the sheer annoyance that comes with people sticking body parts where they don't belong (among other things).</p><p>Last year, that story would’ve been completely different. Last year, it would’ve been full of all his leftover feelings after Shannon’s death, his lingering anxiety of not being enough to help Christopher through, the truck explosion, the tsunami, the lawsuit, the ambulance accident, the well rescue, Abby’s return, his anxiety over Chris going to a camp away from him for two weeks.</p><p>Now that he thinks of it, a lot happened that one year.</p><p>Regardless, he keeps writing, keeps listing the nightmares that plague him, borrows things from past years that he knows he hasn’t quite dealt with yet. The permanence of the black marker he’s using on the teal ceramic only cements their existence, and Eddie finds himself pulling things out of himself that he didn’t even know were there.</p><p>Eddie’s kept up with Frank. He may have started going for Christopher’s sake, but as he sits here in the cold scribbling onto ceramic, Eddie thinks that he must’ve made a lot of progress if a lot of his lingering feelings over the way his life had spun out of control haven’t plagued him as much this year.</p><p>He thinks that maybe this was an unintended function to this activity — a way for them to map their progress against the year before. There have been new challenges this year, but Eddie’s self-aware enough to recognize that his approach to some of them is a little different from before.</p><p>Still, there’s enough material here to cover the front and back of both plates, and Eddie can feel a flare of excitement at the back of his spine for the thrill of getting to break these. To let go of everything, even if it’s just for a moment.</p><p>“Done?” Buck asks. Eddie nods, getting to his feet and dusting off the seat of his pants. They rearrange the tarp on the side of the road, where there is still concrete, but they’re not right on the road. </p><p>“You know we’ve probably seen emergencies like these, right?” Eddie checks with his boyfriend as he goes to lift one plate above his head. </p><p>“Yeah, but that’s why we have this. We can clean the pieces off as best as possible. There’s a trash can over there where we can dump them.”</p><p>Buck’s clearly thought of everything so Eddie backs away, carefully watching to make sure Buck doesn’t get hurt himself.</p><p>Turns out there’s nothing to be worried about, because the second Buck slams the smaller plate against the concrete, he lets out a whoop of delight, bounding over to Eddie to kiss him.</p><p>“Dude, that’s amazing! Go, it’s your turn.”</p><p>Eddie skims the things he’s written on his plate, committing this moment to memory before lifting it and slamming it hard against the concrete. </p><p>The ceramic shatters, all of Eddie’s words scattering into tiny, minuscule pieces. With the image and the rush, he can feel some of the tension in his shoulders lift, and he grins at Buck who’s already beaming at him. “This is probably the best idea you’ve ever had, and you’ve had a lot of great ones.”</p><p>Buck laughs, slotting into Eddie’s side as he holds an arm up. He can’t even discern which of the scattered pieces belong to him and which to Buck, and in some ways, he thinks that’s an image he’d like to commit to memory too. They’re Buck-and-Eddie, pretty much everywhere. A package deal is what Hen calls them, and Eddie thinks that even in this, they’re not alone either way.</p><p>“It’s your turn again,” Eddie says, backing away to let Buck pick up his second plate. This is the one filled with all the bigger things and insecurities that have troubled his boyfriend and for one fleeting — unfair — moment, Eddie wants to read through all of those things so he can keep Buck safe from them.</p><p>But he doesn’t, because it’s not fair — especially when he knows that Buck wants to do the same for him.</p><p>Some things, though, they just have to work through alone. </p><p>The second plate goes down the same way, splintering further than its smaller counterpart. It somehow shatters into even smaller pieces, but they extend past the tarp, and Eddie catalogues where he sees some of them land so they can pick them up later.</p><p>Eddie picks up his last plate, making sure Buck’s a safe distance away. His eyes linger on some of the recurring nightmares he’s been having over the past two months, the biggest things that plague him right now. </p><p>And with one more controlled movement, Eddie slams the plate down hard, right in the middle of the tarp, where all the other broken pieces lay. This time, the sound of the ceramic shattering is louder than it had been before, ringing around them.</p><p>Eddie laughs at the sight, jogging across the road to pick up a few of the large chunks, making sure the road is completely clear. They don’t want to be responsible for an accident either.</p><p>Together, he and Buck fold up the tarp, carrying it over taco-style to the trash can. Eddie holds it steady as Buck tips the shards into the metal bin, wincing at the shrill sound it makes. They dust it off before folding it back up, hopping back into the warmth of the car.</p><p>“Where did you find the idea, anyway?” Eddie asks as Buck reaches back, pulling out a canister of hot chocolate from God knows where. He’s certainly not going to question it when his fingers are finally getting warm again, but sometimes Eddie wonders just how far in advance Buck plans for things.</p><p>“I saw it on Instagram. These teenagers just pulled up with a bunch of ceramic plates with things like “my boyfriend sucks” or “grades are dumb” or “I don’t like parents” written on them, and then they broke them in a parking lot.”</p><p>“Yours better not have had that first example on it,” Eddie teases, leaning back in his seat. Buck’s clearly in no rush to go anywhere, so neither is he.</p><p>Buck makes a face of mock-surprise. “Why, my entire plate was nothing but that you suck.” He sounds ridiculous with a faux Victorian accent and Eddie can’t help but laugh at the sheer ridiculousness.</p><p>“So they showed everyone what was on their plates?”</p><p>He shrugged, pulling a bag of pre-popped popcorn out. “They could’ve just staged it to show the idea, I don’t know. But it seemed like a good date idea to do before just chilling for a bit.”</p><p>“Chilling is right,” Eddie takes the opening immediately, laughing when Buck groans. “I had to say it, it was right there!”</p><p>They settle into a subdued silence after that, Buck passing him his dinner. They eat quietly, watching some of the lights flicker out as the buildings settle into slumber.</p><p>“It really did help, though,” Eddie brings up after a while. “Like I feel better about the things that’ve been bothering me. They’re still there, obviously, but not as hounding.”</p><p>“Are they things you can talk about right now?”</p><p>Eddie thinks about this, and thinks about this perfect moment they’re sharing. He’d share everything with Buck, that much is certain. But does he want to share it while they’re sitting here away from the chaos of the city? Not particularly.</p><p>“Are yours?” Eddie asks instead.</p><p>“Not right now, no,” Buck says.</p><p>“I think...I left a lot of it somewhere over there,” he gestures to the city, “but right now, I’m here with you and that’s enough for me. This stuff will still be there tomorrow.”</p><p>“So will I,” his boyfriend adds quietly. </p><p>Eddie turns in his seat so he can look at Buck instead, finding that he prefers this view instead. His boyfriend’s already looking back at him with a soft smile, and Eddie falls in love with him a little more.</p><p>He reaches for Buck’s hand, smiling at him. “Yeah, I know.”</p><p>And he does. </p><p>So they turn back, and together, they watch the city flicker to sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This really works, I'm not gonna lie, but make sure you're safe and you do it in a way you can clean up afterwards!</p><p>You can find me on Tumblr at <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zeethebooknerd">zeethebooknerd</a> or on Twitter at <a href="https://twitter.com/tkreyesevandiaz">tkreyesevandiaz</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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